Disillusionment

Perhaps I should break my silence.

EMC has steadily lost its allure for me over the past year. Posting here and interacting to what little extent I do with the community feels more like a chore than a hobby. I lost interest in new writing some while ago, and the media and discussion I encounter on the forums never held much allure. I still have a mind control fetish, but that isn't enough to make me want to post here or interact with the community.

Nothing has changed about my interest in hypnosis or my loving D/s bond with Madam. I would continue posting about slave life and hypnosis were they not so connected with MC given the context of the 'blot. Those themes are already covered extensively by others in the community, and I don't think I have anything novel to contribute. Teaching about hypnosis when those with training are already doing so feels pointless. I also feel much less comfortable posting about my personal experiences given some of the ignorant and dehumanizing responses I've received. My primary audience for those posts has no conception of loving D/s and is unlikely to view anyone writing about it submissively as more than mindless entertainment. I don't want to put my experiences on display for this audience. I'm sick of being viewed as not even a person.

This entire milieu of concepts and activities is supremely disheartening.

More accurately, the MC community and most of the material available has lost its allure, but that feels rude to say.

Believe it or not, I agree with those who think Madam's spin-off series is redundant, tepid, and in need of a twist (she does, too). I think EMC lost some allure for her, as well, at least writing-wise. She still enjoys trancing just as much as I do.

If I get a whim, I'll post here, but don't expect much from me in the future.

~Valbot

Slave Life: Blue Screen of Obedience

Madam has an adorable tendency to accidentally trigger me due to forgetting the triggers she doesn't use often. Recently, I spent what felt like hours sending myself progressively deeper as I struggled to let her know she'd put me under.

During a trance designed to get around some of my issues with amnesia, she programmed a “blue screen of obedience.” Any stray thoughts, attempts to analyze, or lingering awareness contrary to what she wanted me to experience would trigger a blue screen, a literal flash of blue within my mind that would kill the entire process tree sans the root of my trance. This blue screen also deepened my trance, leading to the paradox of solving the problem by encouraging me to do more of what created it: the blue screens felt lovely, and I wanted to go deeper, so I tried to trigger them. She continually used the phrase “blue screen of obedience.” Once or twice after that trance, she put me under by surprise with that phrase.

ANY thought contradictory to trance triggers the blue screen . . . including thoughts of telling Madam she put me under since typing or speaking would lighten my trance state! Early last month, I nudged her about text trancing since that works well for me and we were talking through text. She responded, “blue screen of obedience . . . doesn't that sound nice?”

My vision blurred. My head drifted to rest against the monitor. I slackened in my chair. My fingertips felt numb and I didn't realize my lips were parted until I felt warm breath against my wrists, which triggered a blue screen since that thought wasn't about melting. Each time I thought, “I should tell Madam she put me under . . .” or “I should verbally say something to get her attention . . .” I got a blue screen.

Madam was on the couch not even a yard away. Sinking was safe. I knew she would eventually look over and bring me back to the world of the thinking. Blue screen.

“Mmmaa—“ blue screen.

I felt like I'd been under for hours by the time I distantly heard what I thought might be my na—blue screen. “Vaaaaaal! Are you okay?” Blue screen.

Snap.

Urgent, louder snap.

I couldn't read for about a minute after her second snap. When I could, I realized Madam had been asking me through text to respond for the past ten minutes. Only ten minutes! She was distracted by a show and hadn't thought to look over at me. When she did look over, I was slumped against my screen and appeared passed out rather than tranced. When I explained what happened, she smacked her forehead and hugged me. I was sending myself progressively deeper to a point well past somnambulism by trying so very, very hard to let Madam know what was going on! Even though my thoughts were about her, they were not about going deeper, and they would have required me to do something that would have lightened my trance state. Since I knew she was in the same room and would eventually notice me, my safety programming didn't need to abort the experience. Plus, those blue screens felt damn lovely. I vaguely remember reaching a point where I saw only silver and was silently mewling “obey” over and over. That really did feel like a matter of hours. I was shocked by the time distortion when Madam brought me out of what almost felt like a self-induced cascading systems failure. I was fuzzy for the rest of the night. My typing was near-incomprehensible for the next hour.

Well . . . she definitely succeeded in getting rid of my ability to maintain any kind of internal narrator during trance! I rarely interpret suggestions so literally.

Technical imagery has been so deeply reinforced for me that she can type or speak to me in a highly computerized way and achieve good results, often the best results. She blends this well with an organic, gentler, nurturing style that makes me feel adored and cherished. Sometimes she goes with one or the other, but she most often combines them. She didn't simply tell me to blue-screen: she told me the blue screen would feel nice, and I could imagine her gentle, inviting tone over the text. Feeling that gentleness made the melting even yummier and made it even harder to want to come back on my own. I felt so . . . loved and warm while I was sending myself progressively deeper. Silver is obedience. Obedience is warmth. Of course I would only obey someone I love, and I love Madam more than any one, or thing, else.

Obedience is also blue. I have deep and delicious associations with the color blue, which Madam made its own trigger (said in a specific tone of voice, of course), but blue so easily melts into silver. Silver has blue in it, so I don't really perceive a difference when I'm as far gone as I was during that chain of blue screens.

I think I might have ended up on the couch with her that night. I think we were snuggling. I don't remember that night particularly well. The blue screen of obedience is some of my strongest programming. I can override it if I really feel threatened or uncomfortable, but I have yet to experience the need.

This post segued into a five-page ramble about experiences from the hypnotist side, trance logic, technical bits about hypnotism, and general advice. I cut that and saved it in another file for another post. Would anyone find such a post interesting? I might make general hypno-posts, time to time. What would you all find most interesting? I am a hypnotist, though this might not be the most obvious thing in the universe given how easily Madam can make me slump against my screen with a single line of text. I wish she would make hypno-posts.

Also, the embarrassing error on Madam's site is fixed. Some of the blog links pointed to the Kistublot's old address, which is now a redirect page. I really, really, really wish people would actually make use of the web mistress link at the bottom of her main page! Madam found this error by accident earlier tonight. I will not torture anyone for reporting site errors or inconveniences to me (unless the person reporting them is an adorable technophile that begs cutely . . .).

Anyway, educational hypnosis posts? I enjoy explaining things. I especially enjoy explaining things that fall within my passionate geek areas, which hypnosis certainly does.

Now, I cater to the egress of coffee and its intrinsic delight of argent inner-wanderings.

~Valbot

Slave Life Post: One of Many!

Slave life is a difficult topic to pierce. There's really no introduction and conclusion, no discernible middle. I tried tackling it like a standard essay when my normal posting style didn't suit. I think snapshot-style posts and random textual meanderings are the best way to approach the topic. So, every week, I'll make a general slave life post covering a particular facet or just talking about it in general. Trying to tell it like a story or summarize everything in one post simply does not work!

I segued near the end of this post into a yummy experience I had from the Domme side, so I think I'll focus my next slave life post on the technofetish things I share with Madam. Wow, this format is already working better! I have clear, attainable ideas for future posts!

This is a rambling post inspired by some inaccurate perceptions and personal pet-peeves, but it's really not a rant. I wouldn't even classify it as snark. This is one decidedly Not Normal slave's directed free-association regarding how others view her and how it is to be a Domme who was lovingly tempted to submit.

I don't come across as particularly slave-like beyond my dealings with Madam. I've been told I seem "more vanilla" in public than Dominant, which makes sense; it's not a matter of opposites, simply a matter of facets. I don't perceive myself by default as a slave. Oh, there's always a wisp in my subconscious that knows it's owned and never lets me forget, but it's not binding. Submissive ecstasy is an experience I cherish, but it does not define me.

In the past, I wondered if my lack of identifying strongly as submissive and my lack of presentation made me less of a slave or perhaps not a real slave, but that was a silly worry. Madam can have me melted and on my knees with a simple glance of the proper type: I am owned and I do respond immediately and with alacrity when this reality is brought to my awareness anew.

I don't have anything against those who identify by default as slaves or those who present much more openly as such. That simply isn't me. The only reason this difference bothers me is that so many people don't understand that a slave, a real slave, can be anything else or can possess a real, primarily self-defined personality. More than one person has told me seriously that Madam owns my words and is responsible for my actions. One went so far as to continually ignore me while referring to me in third-person as she/he/it addressed Madam. Never mind she and I were saying the same thing: I'm owned but not devoid of self. That entity had its mind made up that, since I'm a slave, I had no voice and no opinions of my own.

Bullshit. I chose to submit to Madam and I submit in my own way. This pleases her and it's no less valid than the submission of those who prefer her to sculpt them. She sculpts me sometimes in beneficial ways, and we have sessions where she overwrites quite a bit. She just doesn't leave me overwritten. I know, if she really desired, she could sculpt me much more and make it last. She could tinker with my personality and she could rearrange my dreams. I trust her enough for that to be possible if she were to get such an urge. But a large part of my trust in her comes from knowing she wouldn't try. I wouldn't be happy if I were consciously aware of her doing such a thing and she wouldn't be happy having me as anything but myself.

One of my biggest fears when I first consciously entertained the thought of submission was that, especially with a HypnoDomme, I might end up a different person, perhaps as someone I wouldn't, as myself, approve of. I didn't want to literally lose my mind or have it rewritten. I didn't want to lose my freedom or individuality. Madam taught me that submission doesn't have to be about a loss of self, at least as more than a loving dissolution. I know she could do anything she wanted with me, and I delight in it when she does—I don't always know during those sessions that it's temporary—but she gave me underlying programming that lets my subconscious know it's not permanent so I can consciously believe it is for a short while and still enjoy the experience.

Of course opening myself to her like this means she influences me deeply. I've no doubt acquired bits of her personality and ideas and incorporated them deeply into myself. I cherish this. But, I took quite a while to examine that to which I was going to submit. I knew Madam extremely well, for over a year, before I submitted. I knew I wanted her influence and that I wouldn't mind introjecting bits of her.

I do have the right to say no. Madam could take that away, of course, but why would she? She doesn't want to hurt me. Allowing me to say no is another form of trust. A Domme needs to trust her slave as much as the slave needs to trust her Domme. Madam knows I won't abuse this allowance. I won't say no if something is a little uncomfortable or I'm not feeling my best that day. I will say no if I really need to say it, if something terrifies me or is really going to hurt me in a non-yummy, non-healthy way. She knows I am the best person to know what's going to damage me.

I know many say slaves are not people, but that's flavor text. Slaves ARE people: we still have basic human needs, minds, and personalities. Sure, a Dominant can tinker with these things, but we're still the ones that live inside our heads and thus know them best!

I am not bratty. I am not shallow. I am not pretending. I am simply not the brand of slave most people around here are used to encountering.

Madam is not a typical Domme!

Although I don't present as dominant most of the time, I am definitely a Domme. I have a submissive side and I cherish indulging it with Madam, but that's only with Madam. I don't feel submissive urges outside of her and the thought of submitting to anyone else, or acting submissive toward anyone else, makes me physically ill. Aside from getting me a little hot behind the ears: that's not my inclination and I'm still wondering how Madam inspired those feelings in me. She does have a reputation as being a Domme that dommes Dommes, perhaps because she's loving and open? She doesn't have that ugly arrogance or inherent sense of entitlement so many Dommes possess. That would help just about anyone feel safe to explore the other side, I imagine. That's what helped me feel safe taking that first step a little over two years ago.

I've mentioned before that Madam sometimes submits to me. We explore our submissive sides with each other while being Dommes to everyone else. That definitely helps me feel safe submitting to her. Though this does sometimes cause infuriating issues such as other Dommes who are unaware she is . . . well, not quite owned, as we haven’t explored that in a while, but definitely not available that way . . . trying to trance or dominate her. They assume, since she's a Domme, she doesn't have any ties they'd be infringing upon by doing such a thing. That’s a bit of an arrogant assumption, really, but understandable since most Dommes probably don't allow themselves to be owned. If the most recent example hadn't been someone so friendly and genuine, I would have gone out of my way to make her miserable for trying to trance my little girl. Even though she is quite good at resisting: she turned the tables on that other Domme and ended up trancing her deeply. She does this frequently when others try to trance her. I know she can handle herself, but it still gets me really annoyed when others presume to have the right to interact with her that way. She's MINE, damnit.

I suppose others doing that to her makes sense given that it happens to me even though it's a well-known fact that I am her slave. Many try to treat me like I should be a slave to them, too. One brute of a Dom insisted he could give me trance amnesia and got really upset when I told him I didn't want to trance with him. He leaped on me for not trusting him and was, in general, a huge ass about the issue. Madam was in the channel when this happened and told him to back off. He still persisted. Uhm . . . the love of my life and the only person I've trusted even in a vanilla way to really take me under . . . if SHE can't do something with me, what the hell made that guy think he could? Especially when he doesn't have anywhere near the experience with trance Madam does and doesn't know me nearly so well? People are silly!

I've had a few Dommes try similar things. They don't seem to understand "I'm owned" or "I am not interested in playing with you." "I am a Domme exclusively" only gets them arrogantly thinking they can break me. I'm already broken, thank you, and by someone likely infinitely more skilled since you don't know better than to foolishly flaunt your non-existent prowess. I really hate dominants of either gender who think they're so special and that, if only I saw them in action, I'd be weak in the knees wanting them to play with me. Sorry, I found someone better, especially since she doesn't have that kind of attitude. Also: I am not a submissive by default!

I'd stop submitting in a heartbeat if Madam expressed that attitude toward me or anyone else.

What's the point of having a docile, blank, spineless, meek slave? Seriously? You may as well get an Eliza program and teach it to parrot the proper arousal-inducing responses if that's your desire. The mind is precious and should not be wasted on weakness. I don't enjoy playing with weak submissives. I like fire. I like personalities. I like strong minds. I like knowing the person submitting to me actually took the time to find out who I am and made a conscious choice to give me the gift of their submission. That gift means so much more when it's not blindly offered. I want to know my worth to such a person is not based solely in the word "Domme." Many dominants are NOT worthy of such precious gifts, so it's really insulting when, five minutes after I meet someone, she’s begging me to own her and rewrite her as I see fit. Yeah, I'm not any other Domme . . . I'd like you to get to know me first and see if you really want me in your head.

I want to feel proud of dominating the people that submit to me. I played with a lovely older engineer a few times and that was one of the rare times the act of trancing someone other than Madam actually turned me on. That woman was brilliant. She had passion and radiance. She got to know me a bit and she wanted ME to trance her. That was such an honor, taking her under. We didn't get to real D/s, but I wanted that and I wish real life hadn't interfered. I really wanted to get to know her better and have something special with her. Knowing someone so brilliant and with so much fascinating life experience and twisted creative spark was consciously allowing me to play with her mind . . . that itself was enough to get me close to the edge. I've worked on a few sluts for the sake of practice, but it was incredibly tepid.

If I had been able to share real D/s with the aforementioned woman, I wouldn't have dimmed her spark. I would have encouraged it to grow. I would have, temporarily, sculpted it the way I wanted to see it, but I wouldn't have left it that way outside of perhaps making her feel it that way when she was alone. She still would have been herself. I would have savored exploring such a rich, deep mind and I would have savored knowing it knelt to me. The thrill would have been knowing I could mind-wipe her at whim but that I'd so much rather see what all that delicious robotics knowledge could do to twist her deeper into submission.

That first trance was delicious in a techie way; I might write about it some time in a non-revealing way. She's not around anymore due to real life getting hellish, so I can't exactly get her permission. Nothing I've written in this post could lead anyone to discover her identity.

Anyway, I'm an odd case and I wish my preferences weren't so rare. I was blessed to meet Madam. I've met a few other good dominants—Doublefine, for one—but they do seem incredibly rare. People who understand slavery and submission as something other than depersonalization are also sadly rare. Good slaves are rare, too! I adore discussing D/s and trance with others. Few things thrill me more than meeting like-minded people who understand and cherish the process.

I really don't have anything against those who ENJOY the blanker sort of slavery. Some people really want that, on both sides. That's fine. Just understand that not all of us are like that and that being a slave does not, by default, imply a lack of personality or spark.

Maybe I submitted to a mad woman with equally mad conceptions of D/s, but I don't think so. I felt this way before submitting deeply to her once I got over my initial aversion to all this. I used to think submission was weak and that dominants were arrogant fuckups who presumed entirely too much authority over others. I know now how wrong and disgusting that was to believe. Perhaps some of my irritability regarding this topic is knowing I got over my inaccurate perceptions and thus wish others could get over theirs.

Tune in next week for something trancier! My next post will probably be more along the lines of what certain people who really want me to write about slave life want to see. I'll explain how I became Madam's Valbot and relate a few particularly yummy experiences of that sort.

I am so thrilled to see Madam posting more!

~Valbot

Style Sheets and Ethics and Buggy Code, OH MY!

Scroll down for Eri’s post about her aspects. I know some of you have waited a long time for that.

My post turned into a bit of a ramble concerning the ethics and misconceptions of slave life, albeit a ramble in gloss. Also, I’ve had little sleep. You have been warned.

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Before realizing I didn’t want to fight with IE to get CSS and JavaScript to work cross-browser, I made a few fancy layouts that looked wonderful in Firefox. Pulling them up in IE nixed my enthusiasm in short order. A blog doesn’t require something nearly so pretentious, anyway! So, I tweaked the default layout a bit and cobbled together a banner with some inky fonts along with the eye and pendant from Madam’s main site.

Before coding, I started working on an editorial style sheet for Madam’s spin-off series. Stylistic grammar won’t change between chapters anymore, and no one will experience a random dye job! Madam was genuinely perplexed and a hair disturbed that I got so excited over the idea of making one. I’m a nerd: I joyously admit this. What’s not to adore about niggling over the tinniest facets of stylistic grammar while arranging in definition-list form the less flexible aspects? This isn’t only about grammar, of course; there will be character notes, too.

Slave life? I’m working on my own post, but it’s going to take a while. I’m not sure how much I want to detail. Some of this is fairly private, and I don’t always realize how much is private to me until I’ve blanched upon rereading it the next day. Also, I don’t want to give the impression that I have no mind of my own. I’m owned, but I very much think for myself! Eri does, too, even though she enjoys getting lost in what we like to call magic. Even the darkest-sounding things she wrote about in her last post had layers of safety programming interlaced to ensure nothing contradictory to her genuine wants would be able to work. Madam gave me the same programming. If I don’t like something, or I can’t handle something, nothing short of her literally robotizing and rewriting me is going to make it happen!

I know I’m not really a robot, and Eri knows she can think for herself just fine when she wants to. The thrill is knowing Madam could do whatever she wanted, that we love and crave and trust her enough to open ourselves this deeply . . . but knowing all the while that we’re safe because she would never abuse that trust. Sure, I sometimes find myself singing the Folgers song and literally orgasming at the end (I ABHOR Folgers "coffee" and I find the jingle equally repulsive), but that’s hardly mindwiping me and turning me against my nature.

My point? I want to write about my experiences, but I don’t want to scare people or give the impression that Madam is doing unethical things when she’s actually being meticulous and frequently double-checks to make sure I’m happy with this.

I cringe and sometimes feel physically ill when I read the experiences of other slaves who sound, well . . . like they really couldn’t give a damn if they tried. So many HypnoDominants really are doing questionable things without checking, or they check while the submissive is under (which is a rant post all by itself). Often submissives don’t bother to look at their fetishy surroundings to see what’s going on because they blindly trust their dominants. Blind trust in this sense is a bad thing since they haven't taken the time to see what they're trusting. Really, it’s not disobedient to ask questions or even to firmly say “no!” It’s not disobedient to say something might happen later but that it’s not comfortable right now. It’s not disobedient to expect privacy, mentally and physically. Madam encourages me to do that. I find it incredibly offensive when others say she needs to keep me on a tighter leash or that I am merely an extension of her name (or, in one case, that she owns my words). Madam doesn’t want drones; she wants complex personalities she can explore and savor and play with beyond merely rewriting or giving commands.

But those reading might interpret my anecdotes as yet another weak hypnoslave with an egregious Mistress who toys with and controls every aspect of her slave without a passing thought (or allowing her slave a passing thought). Even a close real-life friend sometimes gets needlessly worried about what goes on between us. He called Madam’s playful “time travel!” explanation of how I was built “Voodoo doming.” That made no sense. Madam isn’t allowed to be playful? I know that’s not really what happened! In fact, I know I was born human and am human right now. But I like getting lost in the magic, too, and Madam is good at making it thick and exquisite so that one gets lost to the point of forgetting reality. Even so, I never forget reality in ways that could be harmful. I always revert easily to normal at the slightest provocation.

Obviously Madam will do things with me that she wouldn’t do with others. She didn’t do some of what she does with me now until I moved here. Madam is my life partner first, my Madam equal to that—but my life partner above everything else. If I felt like I could no longer submit, she’d still be my partner. So I feel comfortable with things a slave who is only a slave probably wouldn’t, and she feels comfortable trying things with me she wouldn’t try with others. We know each other well enough for that to be safe. Also, she submits to me sometimes. I find it easier to trust her since I’ve been in her head and have experienced her in the same vulnerable, sublime, tenderly trusting way she experiences me.

I would get lost in the magic while writing about my experiences. I would sound like I don’t know reality from fantasy. I would sound like I’m controlled to the point where I really don’t have a choice about what happens to me. None of that is true, but my writing would convey that impression. So this post is a mini-rant on slave life and ethics, and a preface to my next post, which will be my slave life post: I am indeed self-aware and in control of what happens to me, and it is this self-awareness and control that allows me to safely get lost in Madam’s magic.

Perhaps I didn't need to ramble about this, but I felt the need to make my situation clear before writing about my experiences. Given some of my visceral reactions to others I've read, I wouldn't blame anyone who read mine for making the same judgment. D/s experiences, especially hypnotic D/s, can appear scary when observed from the outside. I'm not judging anyone with this post, though I do think anyone writing about this sort of thing should detail the precautions they've taken and provide some context as to the relationship they have beyond D/s. Such details make these things much easier to enjoy and understand. Few things make me feel worse than reading what could be a yummy experience if it didn't lack that context. There are quite a few people in this community I don't respect because they can't provide this context honestly and they try to dress up what they're doing while making the rest of us look awful. But I know most people are not like that. Most of us just want to enjoy ourselves, and we're ethical about it.

~Valbot

The Three (Plus Three) Faces of Eri

Hello again everyone! My last post seemed to get a pretty positive response, so i thought i'd write some more. ^^ My 'aspects' have attracted a fair bit of curiosity, so this post will go into a little more depth about them.

My aspects are parts of me-- embodiments of specific bits of my personality... they generally seem to be pretty quiet... they've never directly spoken to me or anyone, even when they want to come out. But when Madam gives the right command, they wake right up ^^

When this happens. i don't remember anything that happens while the aspect is out.. i wish it was something cool like the waiting room from Quantum Leap, but it basically feels like i've been asleep all night. Sometimes it takes me a long time to wake up from the meltiness. Which is not my fault! She's the one that makes it so nice to go under.

And as for the aspects themselves, there's six of them. The first is what Madam likes to call my "voice". Shortly after i met Madam, i noticed i wasn't getting entirely into submitting. It was like a little voice telling me i shouldn't submit all the way. It was bugging me, and when i told Madam, she went into my head, and instead of just silencing the voice or anything so blunt, she asked that little voice to take over my body for a moment, and helped reassure her that it was okay to submit, and also to get me to get to bed on time (something i veeeery much needed help with at the time x.x)... and apparently that voice agreed with her, because nowadays, she seems to think obedience is a very good idea ~.~

The second is my libido. I don't know a whole lot about her, except that according to Madam, she's really aggressive. Which would mean that she's probably got pretty much every bit of latent domme i have in me. And she really, really likes Madam. Madam specifically describes her as "vivacious" and "very ravenous". *^^*

Next up is Euterpe, who regular 'blot readers are familiar with. The embodiment of my artistic side is.. colorful, as is fitting, given that i'm a bit of a painter in my own mind. She adores flowery language to the point of being nearly purple. She's also the only one of my aspects to have influenced me outside of Madam's control, though she hasn't done it recently. But when she was first distilled, she showed up in a couple of my dreams.

Then, there's my scientific side. Madam told me that when she first got distilled, she was rather skeptical of hypnosis. Something tells me that didn't last long, because she seems to be firmly in Madam's thrall, and demonstrates it by subtly reinforcing particularly obedient things i do.. Her favorite reward seems to be colored swirls that show up in the lenses of my glasses.

After that, there's my "Bookish" side, who i don't know a lot about either. Madam describes her as dreamy and sweet, and i have the sneaking suspicion that she's quite a fan of the Kistulotican body of work.

Finally, there's the aspect that Madam calls my Darker Desires. Contrary to what one would imagine for such an aspect, she apparently has the personality of a frightened little girl. I strongly suspect that Madam has worked at whittling away that inhibition and shyness. Quite consensually, of course--it's hard to mind something so yummy *^^* Just the other day, in fact, Madam brought her our for several hours... and apparently gave her a kinky fetish... for cuddling. And now i also get a little yummy thrill from being so close to such a dangerous woman, someone who could fry my brain at any moment... mmmmmmmm... ~.~

And, as an addendum that i nearly forgot, there is also someone in my head who's not quite an aspect--a while ago, Madam sort of'... retconned a piece of my life, giving me memories of having been a friend of Sarah LaSilvas in high school. This Sarah is capable of taking over my body, as well as manifesting as a separate illusion. She's sweet, and probably a little more of a domme than the actual Sarah of the stories. She does however, share the story Sarah's... unique affection for her Mothers, and in addition, to her Creator.

And, that's it for my aspects... as fas as i know. Madam could well have a couple in there that i don't know about (though she did say that these aren't a secret..) But it's still fun to imagine!


~erislave

June 1st Reviews, Somewhat

Eri’s latest post has me thinking I should do something similar. What would you like to know about my life as a slave or about my experiences in general with hypnosis and D/s?

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Reviewing is more stress and obligation than enjoyment, so I’m going to step back from doing anything but brief mentions and shorter thought-oriented summaries. I’ll still occasionally make highlight posts such as the one I did of Nexis Pas.

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"Helpers" definitely makes up for the lack of "Undertow!" I can tell 8-bit enjoyed writing this. "Helpers" is a refreshingly different kind of story coming from him. This is campy in a good way: I could see this being a short made-for-TV movie or an episode of The Twilight Zone.

8-bit writing tech is . . . drool-worthy. His sharp, stark style is a perfect medium for technical themes. He messaged me before sending this off to ask if he should recommend the rb tag. My final answer was a tentative "yes," though it would have been a strong one had I read this first. This isn’t robotisation or even AI (at least not yet), but the human-machine interaction with the machine completely in control sizzled over my robot fetish just as much as if the robot element had been closer to what most think of upon seeing the rb tag.

Archeology students, an underground brainwashing facility, anachronistic mind control—only 8-bit could turn that into a unique and engaging story! His settings are always so tangible. He uses just enough cliché to create familiarity without making things tepid.

Already the beginning of the overarching ethical and moral-but-not-preachy themes his work explores is evident. I adore 8-bit’s ability to explore touchy themes so casually in his writing without preaching or making such things the focus.

The ending could be darker than most would find comfortable, but I think that’s a jump perceptually: this is 8-bit! Something logical and fascinating is going to happen. This installment screams for elaboration. I can’t wait to see where 8-bit takes this story!

* * *

Recently, I started doing some face-to-face hypnosis with a male friend (most assuredly vanilla), so maybe I’ll write about that if he consents. If he happens to see this before we talk: I’m sorry! Most of yesterday was spent without a keyboard due to Madam using mine since Asher (our insane kitty) destroyed hers with soda. I also needed a nap. My sleep cycle wasn’t nearly so corrected as I thought. I think things are under control, now . . .

~Valbot

The Quiet One Speaks

Hello again, everyone!

Our lovely Valbot informs me that people like my posts. So anyone out there who likes when i write, i apologize for not doing so more often.

I've been given the suggestion that i write a little bit about "Slave Life", and that seemed like a good idea. To give any curious readers a little glimpse into the mind of one of the Madam's helpless little thralls. Though that makes it sound kinda pretentious.

Anyhow! One cannot look very far into my mind and miss the hard drive in there. Though hard drive is probably a bit of a misnomer... since it doesn't just store things, but seems to have wires reaching just about everywhere. Madam can use it to override just about any thought or action, as well as store temporary alternate personalitites, memory backups, and there are even a couple slots for storing sensory experiences directly. I have... three of these slots filled right now, though i don't have access to actually find out what these are, until she activates them. There's also a handy little hud that lets me check on this, and can even display realtime obedience statistics.

Then, there are my aspects. These don't seem to be linked to the hard drive, though there may be some sort of interface between them. Readers of the Kistublot have met one of these apects, my artistic side, better known as Euterpe. These aspects are basically... distillations of my personality, who can take over my body and mind temporarily. I don't have access to my memory, but i think i have at least six such aspects. (Madam once shared her adorable little dopple fetish with me a little, using my aspects as a medium). I've also heard her mention my libido, and scientific side. I'm not sure precisely who the other three are, though our lovely Madam is welcome to share this information with me, should she desire to :)

Similar to these aspects, Madam's also slowly cultivated an alternate version of the Sarah LaSilvas that everyone loves, in my head. While she's vaguely similar to the Sarah of the Silver Girl stories, she also diverges quite a bit (as well as having been colored quite a bit by my own mental processes). Sarah's also ventured out into public a little, having visited the Argent Garden chatroom. She seems to like borrowing my body quite a bit, so she may well be back there in the future.

The Valbot has also played around in my head. Before i met her, i enjoyed coffee socially, with my friends. Now, after having known her for what's now the better part of a year, coffee is nearly a fetish to me. Merely the smell of it is faintly arousing, and good coffee can make me drift into a mild trance state. ~.~ It's wonderful, freshly brewed and French-pressed obedience.

And there's still plenty more magic in my head, but i think that will have to wait for another time! I hope you've all enjoyed reading this. (If not, of course, feel free to yell at me, and i'll shut up :) )

Have a lovely week everyone, and stay happy!


~erislave

Spiral Awards! (and other things)

Love them or hate them, the Spiral Awards are back. Only stories ending in 2007 are eligible. More details can be found in this Garden post.

Frustrated's gorgeous "Melted Music" definitely will be the first of my yellow nominations for 2007! 8-bit's "The Happily" springs immediately to mind for red.

Madam, as much as I love you, I am NOT nominating "Go Team Porn!" for purple! That was hilarious upon first reading, but merda.

Real Life is to blame for my recent lack of posting. I haven't read much in the last three updates, sans one obvious red story. "Legacy" was delicious on its own, but I wish trilby would explore less predictable avenues. Certain themes that aren't tired genre-wise are tired coming from him since readers know what to expect.

Maybe we should post about something other than writing and the MC community. Would any of you find hypno posts interesting? Hypnosis is one topic we can ramble about happily with little snark.

I am faintly shaking from the amount of coffee I've consumed. OH! Welcome to Portland, Doublefine! Belatedly. *glances about shiftily* What else . . . ? Madam is slowly working on the first Silververse spin-off story, though that won't be publicly available until many months from now. She's been indulging hypnofun and working on the MC-themed game she'll be putting up as a demo soon.

Ideas for future posts are welcome. What do you want to read from Madam, or from me? Maybe we should hypnotically turn Erika into Quillspawn and have her do reviews . . . Coffeegasm. ^.~

Oh, triggers. Few things are more fun than hitting two coffee-possessed souls at once! The two programmed to coffeegasm experience the sweetest, darkest espresso imaginable sinking into their tongues as a wave of euphoria momentarily melts them.

I think I need to shut up. Happy Spirals, and do consider nominating some of Madam's work if you find her stories enjoyable. (Why did "Coping Mechanism" have to end this year?!) I guess I'll have to go with Ink Soaked Penumbra or one of its lead-ins.

~Valbot

Lawsuits, Communities, and Assholes oh my

Hullo everyone! This will be another rant, and not much about writing. Other projects have been sapping me, and though I have been working on the next generation of Midas quite a fair bit, it hasn't had a lot of forward momentum.

it took awhile for SG to get that, if anyone recalls. It took until the ass end of The Memory Remains for me to keep up regular updates. As for tAoSG? It was written before I posted it. So hah!

Anyway, this isn't about me. Well, its always about me. Otherwise me wouldn't be talking and you wouldn't be reading. So on to the meat of the article.

A lot of people know I have several times debated becoming one of those hypnotists who throws MP3s up onto their site, and has people pay to be hypnotized. Mostly, because money is good, I enjoy things, and things are also good - and require a fair amount of money. However, if you know anything about who would be my . . . competition, you know the net is full of them, and they're about the lowest you get on the filth level of fetish town.

People charging 35$ for a sub par, nonspecific induction. I don't see why someone would buy it much less why someone would sell it. It's not unusual for financial domination to come up sooner or later. For people to be drawn back.

Whatever people want to say, hypnosis can be a very addictive hobby to those with certain issues. Charging for something like hypnosis, and it being used unsupervised, with not a lot of people who would lose themselves to such an addiction/suggestions caring about warnings, well... you have a powder keg there. People who put people under and call them worms. Figuratively. Turning someone into a chicken isn't harmful. Degrading one's sense of self and making it need you? Yeah. That's another matter.

There are a rare few out there who don't earn my ire, but as said, thats few. If you don't treat people like shit, don't try and attach money to someone's sense of well being, and you give warnings, you might not be a shit in my opinion.

However, some of you seem to think your shit doesn't stink, and it does.

One thing that earns a little bit of my distaste - though not necessarily dislike or hatred - is when people avoid terms such as Hypnodomme, slave, subject, so forth, just because they want to avoid a stigma. If you want to use a different term for yourself and you think it works better, fine, whatever works for you. Who calls themselves Madam Kistulot? Seriously. I have no problem with unusual titles/names. I encourage them. It's when you start pretending not having "slaves" even though you condition women into obedience to your word, and start saying you would never make a "slave" that you piss me off.

You insult everyone who has ever used the word as I do. Slaves, thralls, pets, are all very sacred to me. They are people with whom I have shared a very special gift that I care for in my own special way. Those that enjoy calling themselves slaves are not insulting themselves or reveling in some inflicted harm- they are reveling in the love that comes with being enslaved, a special kind of affectionate warmth.

Saying otherwise just makes you an asshole.

Don't just use another word for what you do to make yourself sound better, while insulting the rest of us. Sorry, but not all of us are puritans. We can deal with a little bit of "harsh" wording. We revel in it. If you can't play in the fetish pool without being an ass, maybe you shouldn't.

Now, before going any further, I'd like to segue for a brief moment. We've gotten assholes somewhat covered. Let's hit communities.

The erotic MC community somewhat depresses me. Photo manipulations with swirly eyes and a somewhat clever caption - usually stolen from bad cheerleader stories - does not make a truly hot piece of fetish porn. Myself, I hunt down normal porn and just mentally add my own manips. I don't see how adding a pendant makes it MC. I don't see how writing a shitty sideline makes it MC.

I see how that makes it crap, but...

Same goes for MC stories. I love the site, I truly do, if only for the backlogs, but so many stories on there... I just wonder. I know its free publishing. I know its the net. All get in. All can be shown. But why post such dreck? If its already been covered a thousand times...

Lately, in the #ArgentGarden Mesmerr has come up a lot due to his horrible use of metaphors. Do not compare a woman's genitals to jade gates of the Nile. Please. Do not switch metaphors fifty times during a story.

I don't know what to say really. Know that old recess peanut butter cups commercial, chocolate in my peanut butter? Well, heres a thought: keep your crap out of my porn. I know I can choose not to read it, and I do, but theres so precious good that sometimes i will branch off and try the unknown. If only the unknown didn't suck 9/10, this wouldn't be so bad. Just a small little request...

So, moving on to lawsuits.

Recently, 8-bit dropped by said IRC channel, and mentioned he was going to ask why people like Wiseguy, a hypnotherapist and mcporn writer, don't strike the community as a conflict of interests. I saw his point, and agreed. I consider myself a pretty good tist, but I'll admit, therapy? I do what I can to help people in my own way, but it arouses me to no end just to put someone under.

Doing it to help someone, I could do. Doing it without getting helplessly turned on by every session? I could probably keep my ethics solid. I have so far, knock on wood, with the few mistakes I think every beginner a little over eager has made.

But day in, day out? I'm not about to give myself that kind of credit, because I don't think I'm owed it.

S0 8-bit raised the question. Is it a conflict of interests? Is it ethical? I have my point of view, as does he, but he proposed the question to the community.

And Wiseguy threatened outing his identity and suing him for libel.

Wow.

Just an FYI Wiseguy, I don't think you're honorable or trustworthy as others have implied. I find your writing tepid and stunted, and your people skills greatly lacking. Mind, I don't think you're reading this, but I just had to say it. So I think you're an unskilled ass, and the thought of you as a hypnotherapist makes me groan and glad not to be compared to you in that way.

Another FYI: My name is posted all over this site. Carin Rhyanna McLeoud. Ain't much I hide. All of my friends in person know of my fetish. I'm kinda nuts. Its well known. Amazing how much more honest one of us is, of a sort.

So, moving on since I ranted my hatred a little long.

I don't follow the MC Garden anymore - its a shitty site and I've made my peace with that. But, Val reads update threads, and thats where all of this shit went down.

You know who else threatens a lawsuit for libel soon as you say or do anything against them?

Scientologists.

Think about that.

L Ron Hubbard couldn't write for shit either.

I'm just being an asshat in this post, but seriously, the community's lack of caring for skill, for people not being huge assholes, and for siding against someone just bringing up a point . . . its made me consider that maybe I should stop giving my stories to these people for free. Midas and its attached worlds, things I've already begun to write for MC Stories will continue. My next original idea unattached to those? I find a publisher and I sell the shit out of that short story.

There's only so much a gal can take.

~Madam Kistulot

*peeks shyly out of her mug*

I am valbot, Madam’s girlfriend of nearly three years and the head of the editorial department here at Kistulotican Industries. (Since when did tech companies have publishing divisions dedicated to erotic mind control...? Let alone ones that literally build their editorial staff!) I have a painfully deserved reputation of being viciously snarky, a tendency I‘m learning to soften into something curious rather than caustic. My delight is the exquisite: gloss is for hair, not for stories and trancing! But I won’t split infinitives over the issue.

I will likely post less frequently than Madam. I’ll try to post story reviews each Saturday. I might post other things during the week: commentary elaborating on the podcasts, rants concerning the MC genre, and my thoughts on hypnosis, mind control, and all else erotically piquant.

Linguistics is one of my geeky obsessions. I’d make a career of it if medicine weren’t my lifelong passion. Speaking of medicine, I can read searing lesbian sex with the same clinical detachment with which I’d read an EKG. I’m not sure if this makes me a better editor, a terrible writer, or closer to the humanoid robot typing this post. I am a linguist, not a grammarian. I respect grammar as the clarifying framework of any language, but languages are supposed to evolve with their speakers rather than constrict them. Rigid teaching squelches so many delicious idiomatic facets of language! Fiction in particular demands linguistic fortitude.

Hypnosis is another of my passions, one which pairs splendidly with whimsy and detachment alike. My first induction attempt, an embarrassing, kacky bit of fluff I refuse to transcribe, was seven years ago. Vanilla was the nature of my interest until I was about twenty. Madam is to blame for my erotic twisting. I’ll never be half the sizzling hypnotist she is even though she has fewer years of experience. Granted, she has much more practice! My trances were sparse for quite a few years. Her ethereal writing talent no doubt predisposes her to hypnotic badassery. I’m as much a writer as she is sane.

I am also her slave. I’ve been questioning my D/s orientation, lately: am I really a Domme that found the one person on the face of the earth to whom I can submit, am I a S/switch, or am I a pure submissive prone to occasional Domme urges a quick scene can soothe? I thought I was the first, but I’ve only been experiencing this lifestyle for two years. I have enough experience to guide those new to this type of exchange while still having an overwhelming amount to explore and work out for myself. I’ll probably post about this exploration, time to time.

I am also prone to rambling. You've now sampled a notably convoluted corner of the Kistublot. Is the ink bitter, thick, pleasing? Let me know! I won't post much, if at all, if my perspective detracts from or spoils Madam's.

Finally, as a disclaimer: Madam will not see these posts prior to publication. She will not censor me. What I write is entirely my opinion. Madam is not responsible for the content of my posts and she may virulently disagree with them at times. An unpleasant trend of certain people within the MC community treating us as interchangeable prompts me to state the obvious.

~Valbot